My Lord Loves a Pure Heart – Excerpt 15

I wanted to express my gratitude for Baba’s words in this fifteenth excerpt in particular, as they give me great comfort. As it is often easy for me to slip into a place of fear if I am not vigilant, I will try to remember Baba’s words here, as well as to repeat the mantra, which is also unfailing in its divine help.
 
To help me with my fears, I also have a little drawing of an umbrella opened in the rain with the words “Under the Protection of the Siddhas,” that I look upon each day during my meditation. I am very grateful to Gurumayi for all the marvelous tools she provides us with to stay happy and safe.
 

Reflecting on the first reason Baba says we feel fearful, I remembered an experience where I’d felt great fear. The fear was my belief I’d done something wrong and was being judged and rejected—while I was looking for love and approval. Asking for grace, I contemplated this experience; after going through immense fear and feeling bereft, I found myself experiencing blazing light within myself. Residing in this divine light for some time, I experienced no fear, no sadness. This light within me is the Truth of who I am.
 
Reflecting on the second reason Baba gives, I recalled times in my life when I’d felt immense fear—and how I had experienced God’s help. The most recent one was facing a major health challenge. I felt consumed by fear and, in my mind’s eye, decided to enter the Bhagavan Nityananda Temple in Shree Muktananda Ashram. In no time, I felt held by Bade Baba, and not just held but gently encouraged to rest, to reside in his being. I now return to this experience again and again whenever I feel fearful.
 

Fear has been present throughout my life, but especially during my adolescence. Ever since then, I have been praying to see myself as a joyful girl again.
 
Once a voice inside me told me, “Everything happens for the best.” It was only years later that I found out that this was a teaching that came from Gurumayi—and her Message for 1994. One day I heard her telling me within myself: “What you feel is longing, not anguish, and this burning desire will make our meeting possible.”
 
When fear comes to me now, I go to look for that abode of peace and beauty that exists within me and I feel the many forms that God takes to help me.
 

I have been feeling very fearful for the past few weeks as I’m currently unemployed. I see this excerpt as Gurumayi’s gift to me to dissipate my fear. As I recognize that God and the Guru are helping me every step of the way, fearlessness fills my being.
 

Reading Baba’s words on fearlessness reminded me of a time years ago when I had a huge fear coming up occasionally for a few weeks. A Siddha Yoga Swami who was visiting in the area instructed me to ask the fear what it was. When I did, it kept telling me, “I am the fear of annihilation.”
 
A few days later I had a dream in which everyone was laughing at me except a Swami. Suddenly a red-and-white ball started ascending from my feet upward. The fear intensified with every inch. I knew I could pull out and not face this, but if I did, my life would be incomplete.
 
As it rose and intensified, I started to ask for God’s help by repeating Om Namah Shivaya incessantly. When it finally reached my head, it broke through—and the most immensely powerful yet simultaneously soothing peace pervaded everything. I believe this was “the divine place of fearlessness” inside me that Baba speaks of here.
 

For me, there is a natural fear that serves to protect me from danger and an externally imposed fear that I experience as wanting to manipulate me. The moment I feel fear, I ask myself where it comes from. Is it coming from my early warning system or from something someone said?
 
If it is coming from something someone said, then I ask myself what that person’s motive and intention could be and why—and whether—they might want to inspire fear in me. I recognize that nobody can plant fear in me; instead, I produce fear in myself by my own free will. And when I realize that I am doing this, I ask God to help me overcome my fear.
 

One day, I was about to cross a street in London, where the traffic flows on the left side instead of the right side as it does in France, where I live. Suddenly, I felt an invisible hand pushing strongly on my chest as a car was rushing by just three feet in front of me. In that instant, I experienced the immense loving protection of the Guru. 
 
Having had this remarkable experience, I now strive to stay in the Guru’s presence while keeping my awareness of the space between my in-breath and my out-breath—a space without thought and devoid of fear.
 

Both of these statements of Baba’s as to what inspires fear have had a profound effect on me. The first causes me to expand into the space of divinity, where I can access everything I might need at any moment. The second causes me to be humble before God and to feel such profound gratitude for, and awareness of, the immense compassion of God.
 

I am so grateful for all the myriad ways Gurumayi and Baba have given us to access the madhya, the center of Truth within. One of my favorite ways is by turning to the Master’s words and holding them in my heart. It’s as if the words—like those in this excerpt—are a blazing force that burns away any fears or misunderstandings I may have. Then I emerge centered and loving once again and able to see my life objectively from a higher vantage point.
 
From this powerful frame of mind, I can earnestly pray and converse with the Guru within to receive her practical direction on how to get me out of my predicaments. Instead of bristling a bit and seeing any correction as criticism, I welcome the advice I receive from within. 
 
Over time I’ve noticed the culprit sitting at the bottom of it all is usually fearful thinking of some sort. Often tears of gratitude arise after I’ve had a visitation with her loving presence within.
 

Reading this Excerpt 15 reminds me of ways I have learned to deal with my fears. Whenever I find myself surrounded by fear, I immediately begin to rest in the light of the Guru. I breathe in and out and mentally ask Gurumayi to please cover me with her greatest wisdom. I also tell my mind, my ego, and my fear that my Guru is greater than the problem that is making me afraid, so “let’s dissolve the problem through her protection!” That in turn reminds me of the abhanga by Jnaneshvar Maharaj called Shri Guru Sarikha, whose refrain asks, “Having a protector like Shri Guru, why would I seek the aid of anyone else?”